Relationship Mindfulness
by Heather Oros, LCSW
The holiday season is upon us. No matter your stance on this time of year, the holidays can be a naturally stressful time, especially with managing family relationships. A season of togetherness can easily prompt heightened emotion, and increase our vulnerabilities to regulate skillfully. Entering the holiday season reminds us of the importance of utilizing our mindfulness skills, specifically with others to help increase feeling of connectedness, decrease natural emotional vulnerabilities, and restore centeredness in the present moment.
Several years ago, my family gathered for our traditional large and loud Thanksgiving holiday together. At the time, I was in graduate school, and I recall taking the train to Baltimore from the city late Wednesday night to arrive at my childhood home swaddled in the smell of cinnamon, thyme, rosemary and spicy sausage. During this point in my life, I was an early student of DBT and mindfulness. I was a beginner in intentionally turning my awareness to meaningful observations that are so intimately tied to important relationships, like the all encompassing smell of stuffing that filled the house, or the sound of high pitched singing to Barbara Streisand and Whitney Houston that occurred during cooking time. My attention was so easily drawn to the “shoulds” of the moment. So many thoughts in my head – my brother should help prepare and clean up the meal, my mother should not have this much food, my aunt Amy should be more grateful. The last task that needed completing before we sat down for dinner was to broil the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes— a quick broil that required mindful attention to reach the perfect golden brown crisp. Twenty minutes later, the smoke alarm blared through the house, my mother cursing from the kitchen, everyone was swarming in to pour water over the potatoes and all were blaming one another for the demise of a classic and favorite thanksgiving dish. The night quickly took a turn, emotions were heightened, judgments were flowing, and the awareness of our family together became more about the marshmallow fire than the quality time of one another.
The holidays are a lot! It is so reasonable to get quickly overwhelmed and flooded with emotional distress during this naturally vulnerable time of year. What we know about emotional arousal is that it can easily sway us away from utilizing our wise mind. This holiday season, we are encouraging the practice of relationship mindfulness. We encourage you to check in when your awareness is drifting to emotion mind and is fixated on the “shoulds” of the moment, and is away from grounding self in the sensations of the current moment. A practice of relationship mindfulness might look like cooking side by side with someone, and noticing the smells in the room. It can look like a practice of bringing awareness to your surroundings when things get overwhelming, or noticing loved one’s smiles and eyes. The idea is to allow ourselves to get interested in the real moment occurrences. As I reflect back on the “marshmallow-gate” Thanksgiving, I practice allowing my mind to fully observe the sound of giggles that occurred a week later as we reflected the story, the feeling of a hug I received from my brother, and the smell of burnt marshmallow that turned out to be an association noticed with love.
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