Inspirations

A Life Worth Sharing

By: Ting Mandel, LCSW

“Hey, Mama. Do you remember that time when you came to my concert, and I was onstage and then saw you?” my five-year-old asked as I read him a bedtime story. He’d opened his eyes and was looking up at me.

“What, baby?” I was surprised he was still awake.

“That time. At the concert. I didn’t see you. And then I saw you. You were there!” His wide eyes stared right into mine.

“Oh yes, baby. That time when I was late but I made it!” I remembered that day. I had rushed out of the office after a session, hopped on the subway to my son’s school, and was the last parent through the doors. With my head down, I slipped by rows of parents and quietly sat down in the empty chair by the aisle next to my husband just as the lights started to dim (what I call the “walk of shame”). “I saw you on stage, and I waved at you.”

“Yes, I saw you, too, and then I blew you a kiss.” A bright smile flashed over his face.

“Yes, you did. I remember that now. It was so nice of you.” I felt my face warming. “What made you remember that just now, baby?”

“Because Mama is here. I was happy when I saw you that day, and I am happy now.”

That was the first time my five-year-old son asked if I remembered an experience we shared. I was amazed by this new brain development and flooded with joy and love as he shared his experience with me. The details of that memory came back like a movie playing before me. As I sat in the event space at his school, I saw my son standing in the front row on stage, staring forward, face stern, with his eyebrows furrowed. He looked like he was looking for something. All of a sudden, he shifted his gaze, and we locked eyes. I saw his eyebrows relax and his shoulders drop. I waved gently. He smiled, placed his little hand over his lips, blew me a kiss, and started swaying to the music. It was such a brief moment. One that did not seem to carry any significance at the time. One that could have been easily forgotten. With my son sharing his experience of it with me, however, that moment has now become something we share, something we can hold on to, an almost tangible part of our bond.

When I think about life, it is a series of small moments like these that fill my life with meaning. In DBT, we work to help our clients build mindful awareness, tolerate distress, regulate emotions, and attend to relationships effectively to build a life worth living. A life with meaning, filled with things we value.

For most of us, meaningful relationships are a big part of what we value and what helps us feel better about who we are. They motivate us to want to be more present and to manage our emotions and behaviors more effectively so we can maintain, protect, and build more meaningful relationships. I think of the times when I avoid, hesitate, shut down, or feel too embarrassed, anxious, or shy to share my experiences with others and how that contributes to and exacerbates my sense of loneliness, feeling bad about myself and the world. When we’re isolated and feel alone, we tend to struggle more.

Radically Open DBT, a treatment that specifically focuses on the importance of social connections and specifically targets prosocial signaling, posits that generally, if we feel like a part of a tribe and can form bonds with others, we tend to feel less lonely, less closed-minded, and have better psychological well-being. The ultimate goal is to build a life worth sharing. Together, we thrive better. Or, as my son would put it, “Mama is here.”

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Embracing Emotions: the Power of Direct Expressions
By: Samarah Cook, LMSW

It’s incredibly fulfilling to spend time with a friend who truly understands you. They may finish your sentences or simply convey that they empathize with how you’re feeling. This dynamic creates a sense of comfort and safety that is invaluable in any relationship. Unfortunately, not all of our relationships function this way. Often, we need to articulate our emotions in order to feel truly understood.Direct expression, a cornerstone of DBT, is about using the observe and describe skills to communicate our emotions effectively. It involves articulating our feelings based on factual observations, devoid of interpretations or judgments. This approach allows us to express ourselves authentically and transparently, fostering deeper connections and understanding in our relationships.

However, direct expression isn’t always easy. It requires vulnerability, courage, and a willingness to embrace discomfort. Many of us have been conditioned to suppress or distort our emotions, fearing rejection or judgment from others. Yet, we can learn to confront these fears and speak our truth without reservation.

The rewards of direct expression are profound. By openly expressing our emotions, we validate our experiences and cultivate a sense of self-respect and acceptance. We also create opportunities for genuine connection with others, as they learn to understand and empathize with our inner world.

Moreover, direct expression paves the way for personal growth and transformation. As we learn to communicate our emotions effectively, we gain insight into our thought patterns and behaviors, paving the way for positive change. Through this process, we develop resilience and emotional regulation skills that empower us to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and confidence.

In conclusion, direct expression is a powerful tool in the DBT toolkit, offering a pathway to authenticity, connection, and growth. By embracing the principles of observe, describe, and assertiveness, we can unlock the transformative potential of our emotions and cultivate richer, more fulfilling lives.

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Combating Anticipatory Anxiety with Mindfulness
By: Ashley Johnson, Social Work Intern

“The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment”
– Thich Nhat Hanh
Have you ever experienced those feelings of dread and fear leading up to a big event? Maybe before going on a date, starting a new job, having to present a project, or entering a new space or community?As a student and a social work intern, I often encounter anxiety leading up to important assignments, tests, and new and important experiences that affect my future. This is called anticipatory anxiety. To define anticipatory anxiety, it is excessive worry or fear about an upcoming event. When this happens, the mind can become tangled in a never-ending cycle of “what ifs”, and a person might find themself spinning tales of worst-case scenarios that may never even occur. Feeling nervous or anxious before an important event is normal, but it can become problematic when these feelings start interfering with daily life.Feeling anxious about the future is not a sign of weakness or irrationality. Our brains are naturally wired to foresee and prepare for the future. However, at times, our thoughts can run rampant, leading us into a cycle of worry or even panic.Starting my internship at Metro NY DBT Center, I was able to learn about ways to combat anticipatory anxiety through the use of DBT skills. Practicing mindfulness has proven to be highly effective in managing anticipatory anxiety. By centering your attention on the present, concerns and worries about the future often lose their hold, promoting a sense of stability and
calmness.There are a variety of ways to do this. In DBT, we practice mindfulness through many different types of activities to ground ourselves before a session. We engage in breathing techniques, activities that utilize our 5 senses, and exercises that activate different parts of our body. These activities generally prompt us to bring our attention to the present moment and how we are interacting with the present moment.

To name a few of my favorite mindfulness activities, I enjoy box breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation. I often search for guided meditation videos that walk through each exercise as a way to have a more structured practice when feeling dysregulated. I encourage readers to explore the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn and Thich Nhat Hanh; two very influential people in the world of mindfulness.

In the DBT mindfulness module, there are two main sets of skills; the Mindfulness What Skills that tell us what to do to practice mindfulness, and the Mindfulness How Skills that tell us how to practice mindfulness. To practice mindfulness, we must observe, describe, and participate while being non-judgmental, one-mindful, and effective.

By practicing observing without judgment, individuals can recognize anxious thoughts and physical sensations as they arise, without becoming overwhelmed by them. Describing these experiences allows for a clearer understanding of the anticipatory anxiety, reducing its power over one’s emotions. Actively participating in the present moment helps to redirect attention away from future worries, promoting a sense of calmness and control. Non-judgmental acceptance of anticipatory anxiety encourages self-compassion and reduces the urge to engage in self-critical thoughts. Focusing one’s mind on singular tasks or activities through one-mindfulness decreases rumination about future events, and choosing effective coping strategies enables individuals to respond to anticipatory stress in ways that promote well-being.

There are a number of DBT Skills that are beneficial when experiencing anticipatory anxiety. Mindfulness is the foundation for all other skills taught in DBT, which is why I chose to highlight this set of skills. Through consistent practice of mindfulness, individuals can develop resilience in the face of anticipatory anxiety, leading to increased emotional regulation and an overall improvement in quality of life.

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Navigating Shame for Improved Self-Regulation

Julia Friedland, Social Work Intern

As a freshman in college, I experienced a new level of social and academic pressure than I ever had before. One morning after a particularly stressful week, I woke up to discover my skin had broken out with acne for the very first time. I had gotten pimples before, like almost every other human, but nothing to the extent of this breakout. Suddenly, it felt like the only thing I thought about when I was with other people was the acne on my forehead. I felt like it was ugly, and I felt like everyone was always staring at it. My energy became devoted to finding solutions and cures for this breakout, and I spent time and money researching ways to cure it with medications and skincare and hide it with makeup.

This sense of shame, of intense self-criticism, came from within. I didn’t receive external sources of judgment like people making comments about my skin. No one was making comments about my skin nor showing any judgment whatsoever. Instead, I was making judgments about myself. Feelings of self-consciousness and insecurity led to low self-esteem, and I focused so much on how people were perceiving me. Shame, like any emotion, is a natural human experience. However, I’ve found that shame has a way of seeping into our everyday existence and causing extra, unnecessary suffering without us even realizing it.

The underlying shame I felt about my outward appearance during this time spilled into my thoughts about myself, which became difficult to control. My thoughts led to a cycle of negative self-talk and anxiety, a common consequence when shame becomes a dominant emotion. Unlike other emotions, shame often triggers a deep-seated attack on our self-identity and worth. It’s not just feeling bad about something we’ve done or a temporary aspect of our appearance; it’s a pervasive feeling of inadequacy. My shame resulted in lower self-esteem, self-consciousness, and behaviors that only furthered this sense of dysregulation and ineffective actions. For example, I would sometimes decide to cancel plans to avoid being seen and started to “mind read” by thinking that my friends were focusing on my skin and judging me in their heads. Often, it is easy for our thoughts and interpretations about a situation to prompt intense emotions and other negative sensations, like distorted thinking. In these moments, we become more reactive than responsive to the triggering event and our accompanying thoughts. What can often happen as a result is that our decision-making revolves around alleviating these intense feelings of shame (like obsessive skincare routines or avoidance of social interactions, in my case) instead of acting more skillfully in ways that support our ultimate life-worth-living goals.

Luckily, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy’s Emotion Regulation module offers practical tools for managing emotions like shame, supporting our ability to self-regulate. “Check the Facts” is a skill that helps us understand whether our emotional responses fit a situation’s objective facts. “Checking the facts” of the situation helps us become more grounded in the observable facts rather than the interpretations and thoughts that can come from the unwanted emotions we experience. In this skill, we are working to determine whether our emotions are escalating in response to the facts of the situation or if they are escalating in response to possible interpretations and thinking mistakes that arise in response to an event happening. If we can determine whether our emotions fit the facts, we are in a better position to act more effectively in our lives. The key idea this skill teaches is that we can modify our thoughts and interpretations about a situation in order to regulate our emotions rather than be controlled by them.

Shame is a uniquely challenging emotion for self-regulation due to its intense, pervasive nature and profound impact on our sense of self. We cannot always control events that may lead to difficult emotions. However, with the right tools and strategies provided by DBT, we can learn ways to step back from the immediacy of our emotional responses and understand our emotions as part of a larger, more manageable picture.

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PLEASE Skills

Lauren Siegel, LMSW

As the holidays grew closer, many of us left our typical routines for the excitement and slight chaos that is the end of the year. As we travel, see family, celebrate, and reflect on our trip around the sun, there is much joy to be found in the closing of the year. However, for many of us December also brought unique vulnerabilities and stressors.

During this period, PLEASE Skills, skills that allow us reduce our vulnerability to emotions by taking care of our bodies, seem to take a backseat as time off from work, festive celebrations, and travel take hold. Attention to sleep, exercise, balanced eating, and limiting mood-altering substances can seem totally antithetical to the indulgent and unstructured nature of the holidays. Ironically, for many of us the holidays are a time when we need these skills the most, as challenging family dynamics, stressful travel experiences, and adjusting to different time zones test our emotion regulation skills.

News articles and Instagram posts alike describe the amorphous nature of the time between Christmas and New Year’s, where structure and routine seem to go out the window. For me this time often seems alluring – a break from the fast-paced and often demanding nature that is modern life. And while I love a celebration as much as the next person, I notice this lack of routine has the power to throw me off kilter. In this odd period before a new year begins, we may find ourselves eating pie for breakfast, spending a few too many hours down internet rabbit holes, and maybe even forgetting what day it is (or is this just me?). And while the break from reality is in many ways welcome, I notice myself feeling unbalanced and disoriented by the time we ring in the new year.

My skipped workouts, later evenings and mornings, and dinners of strawberry licorice and an extra glass of bubbly fail to set me up to withstand the many stressors of the season. This year, I’m challenging myself to find balance between relaxation and structure, noting a need for a slower pace while holding onto the PLEASE skills that make me feel regulated. In the first week of January, I plan to maintain an exercise routine, prioritize sleep, and fuel my body with foods that make me feel good (licorice on the side, of course). I’m striving to hold the dialectic of rest and routine in a season marked by change and transition.

So, as we approach the new year, I invite you to consider your own PLEASE skills. In a time where our routines are challenged, if not abandoned, how can we continue to take care of our bodies in order to take care of our minds? Can we find room for indulgence alongside the regimens that keep us grounded? I think this could be the secret to a happier, healthier new year.

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Embracing the Dark: Opposite Action for Social Connection

Samarah Cook, LMSW

As the days grow shorter and the evenings darker, a subtle shift has taken place in my routine. The prospect of leaving my apartment past 8 pm has lost its appeal, creating a barrier to socializing that I hadn’t anticipated. In these moments, I find myself operating based on my current mood rather than aligning with my overarching goal of maintaining meaningful friendships.

 

Enter Opposite Action, a powerful tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). While the darkness outside may dampen my motivation to socialize, Opposite Action encourages me to challenge this inclination. Instead of succumbing to the pull of staying indoors, I’m prompted to act contrary to my current mood in pursuit of my larger goal.

 

The goal here isn’t to force myself into uncomfortable situations but to gently nudge against the gravitational pull of inertia. It might start with a small step – a brief evening stroll, a cozy gathering with a friend, or even a virtual hangout. By embracing Opposite Action, I’m not only breaking free from the limitations imposed by my mood but also honoring the value I place on maintaining connections.

 

In these darker evenings, Opposite Action becomes a beacon guiding me towards the warmth of social bonds. It’s a reminder that while the comfort of my apartment is inviting, the richness of friendships often awaits just beyond my doorstep. As I navigate this seasonal shift, I’m committed to letting Opposite Action illuminate my path, ensuring that my actions align with my overarching goal of fostering and maintaining connections, even when the temptation to stay in is strong.

 

So, as the evenings grow longer, I invite you to consider your own Opposite Action. What small step can you take to defy the gravitational pull of mood-driven inertia and move towards your broader goals? In the dance between darkness and connection, let Opposite Action be your guiding light.

 

Here’s to embracing the dark for the sake of brighter connections.

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Mindful Beginnings: The Key to Building Meaningful Relationships

Julia Friedland, Social Work Intern

When I was little, my mom taught me a quote by Maya Angelou on the way to a playdate with a new friend.

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Since that moment, I’ve used Maya Angelou’s words to remind myself of the importance of kindness and self-awareness while building a new relationship. It’s been a sort of mantra that guides me when I move to a new place, enter a new setting, or meet a new person.

What I realize now, as an adult and as a future clinician, is that this quote is not necessarily the only thing I need to remember as I form new relationships.

I’m an overthinker. I am hyper-aware of how I present and am being perceived, which manifests in how I present myself in new relationships. Before I know someone well, and before they know me, I feel an urge to prove myself in different ways. I tailor my facial expressions, word choice, and overall presence to ensure a new person feels comfortable and valued and to present myself in a “good” light.

Mindfulness is the first skill taught within Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), as each subsequent skill depends on our ability to be mindful. As I become more familiar with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), I understand the ineffectiveness of this habit of mine, particularly in new relationships. Rather than connecting with myself and the other person in the moment, I seem to spend a lot of ineffective time in my head. I think of the future, and I allow my urges to take control of how I spend the vital first moments of a new relationship. I would have a much easier time building a meaningful connection by being present in the moment rather than by scrutinizing my own words and actions or deducing the meaning of another person’s facial expressions.

At its core, mindfulness is about accepting where we are and what we are feeling, thinking, and experiencing in the moment. The first step of mindfulness is learning to observe our sensations, thoughts, and feelings nonjudgmentally based only on what we can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. I wish I could know exactly how my tone of voice, word choice, and facial expressions impact a person’s perception of me. However, there is no way to observe this objectively. My attempt to over-analyze, I’ve realized, is a coping skill I’ve learned over time to gain control over how I am being perceived. A more effective way to build a positive relationship is to refocus my attention on the moment.

When we navigate new situations and relationships, it’s understandable to get stuck in our assumptions about the other person or fixate on how we are perceived. In those moments, we must remember our goal in our interactions: to build a meaningful, positive relationship. Mindfulness helps us move away from those distractions and settle into our “wise minds,” leaving us better equipped to welcome new relationships.

Maya Angelou’s quote still holds true, and it remains a favorite of mine. And now, with a growing understanding of DBT and its emphasis on mindfulness, I can read it with fresh eyes as I initiate and build meaningful relationships in my life.

 

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Accumulating Positives

by Ellie Fussell, Social Work Intern

Nearly two months ago, I started a new challenge/opportunity of moving away from my friends and family to live in New York City. This has become one of the biggest challenges that I have set out for myself thus far. With all the stress of learning a new city, taking on different responsibilities, and being surrounded by unfamiliar people, I have learned how valuable it is to accumulate positives when initiating new challenges and opportunities.

It can be easy to get in a mindset that is negative and overwhelming to where it makes it difficult to even realize the positive events occurring. Being more mindful of my current surroundings has allowed me to recognize positives such as the weather, the friends I have made, or the food I am enjoying.

 

Whenever I have second thoughts about my move to a new city or feel the challenge is too big for me to handle, I remember the value of accumulating positives in the short term. Some examples of positives experiences that I have learned to do each day are going on walks and trying new coffee shops. On walks, I like to notice the life around me, listen to the leaves rustle, feel the sun and the wind, and see the community I live in. In coffee shops, I enjoy the music, appreciate the decor, and taste and smell the coffee. These are practices that relieve my anxiety and make me think positively about my circumstances in that moment. Thinking long term, the challenge I initiated for myself is getting me closer to my goals. I take advantage of the opportunities that come with moving to a new city because they will be part of my process of living the life I want.

 

Patience is one aspect of accumulating positives that I like to keep in mind. It takes time and endurance to feel comfortable in a new opportunity. It is normal to not constantly feel positive during the process. This motivates me to keep making plans and refocusing my mind so that I am reminded of my goals. With accumulated positives in my back pocket, I have more stamina to tackle adversities that arise.

 

In my current challenge, just remembering that I am living out the goal I had set for myself many months ago allows me to appreciate where I am, even when it may seem hard at times. New challenges and opportunities can be daunting. Accumulating positives alleviate stressors during this process and can get you closer to living a life that aligns with your values and achieving the goals important to you.

 

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