Inspirations

What I Learned From Digging in the Dirt
Alex Wilt, LCSW

As kids, we seem to effortlessly possess a deep fascination for life. The world is this exciting, fascinating place for play and opportunity. Even something as simple as looking at bugs or building a sandcastle becomes an incredible, magical mission. As we get older, our to-do’s get longer and our goals become bigger- college, social plans, work, city living- the experience of life as it plays out does not often naturally lend to many opportunities for digging in the dirt.

I certainly am no exception to this experience. And as a new homeowner, I anxiously started adding up my list of to-dos. On top of that list was the seemingly tedious task of pulling weeds. I looked around at my neglected, weed-ridden flower beds, and I decided one sunny day to roll up my sleeves and get to work- weeding and gardening for the first time in my life. What I did not realize was that I would be embarking on a tremendous mindfulness activity, one that would lead me to experience something as seemingly simple as “dirt” in a way I never expected.

As I put on my gardening gloves and grabbed a shovel, it felt a bit like I was getting my armor on for a solo mission. There was a clear goal- pull as many weeds as you can, as quickly as you can, without getting dirty. And it started as such- I bulldozed through the first 20 minutes, feeling rather rushed and overwhelmed as I tried to tame the vast expanse of weed-ridden flower beds. There was so much to do, and as I tried moving as quickly as possible, I felt myself tensing and white-knuckling through the repetitive and tedious task.

However, as time went on, I realized what I was in for, the immense task that was before me. I tried a different strategy- I surrendered control of determining the outcome and starting to focus on the process itself. I noticed the cold ground I was sitting on and my attention began to shift to what was in my hands and in my awareness. To my surprise I noticed an entire ecosystem at my fingertips. I began to observe bugs on a mission to grab their next meal. When I pulled a plant, I was in awe of the intricate plant root structures, the beauty of a “weed.” I heard birds and squirrels sprinting around the yard. I noticed the feel of dirt in my hands, and felt the pressure tug and release as I pulled each plant. My urgency to finish the task fell and my brain simply allowed me to just be with this amazing moment I had been overlooking.

The DBT mindfulness skill called “Participate” is all about throwing ourselves fully into the present moment, and mindfully attending to what’s in front of us. When we are fully participating, we often feel “in flow,” responding smoothly to the ebbs and flows of the moment without overthinking. Nothing speaks of full participation more than a kid playing outside, running around, finding bugs, and making forts. Full participation is where I found myself while gardening, as I allowed myself to be present in what was in front of me.

As adults, this practice of full participation is a skill to relearn, as our goal-focused, expectation-laden mind likes to take us out of the present, pulling us back to the past or driving us into the future as we try to make sense of things. Participating allows us to observe and describe a more rich experience. While weeding, I found myself in awe of things I never paid any attention to before, and while I took it in, my brain and body felt at ease.

Our goal in implementing DBT mindfulness skills is to notice when we find ourselves outside of the moment- lost in the past, future, or our expectations of the moment. This is our cue to lean back and take in with the senses- practicing observing, describing, and fully participating in the present. We might just find that something as seemingly boring as dirt offers us an awe-inspiring, fascinating, and insightful experience.

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

Being Grounded

During busier times of the year I find myself struggling to be one-mindful in the present moment. Recently, I have noticed I am rushing to each commitment or task on my calendar. I have noticed myself physically running to different commitments or tasks throughout the day and feel, at times, that I am going through the motions. I have felt like the days are flying by and that there are not enough hours in a day to get everything done. My body has been telling me to slow down through the tightness in my chest and neck.

Even though I have taken time to stop, slow down and reflect on how to be one-mindful and present in the moment, I have still fallen short. It wasn’t until an instance last week while coaching lacrosse practice that I realized why I’ve felt like I have been gliding on ice.

Amidst a chaotic practice, someone mentioned how the stream adjacent to the field was finally rushing with water after a few days of heavy rain. It wasn’t until I mindfully paid attention to the sound of the running water that I realized I have been yearning for feeling grounded and centered in the present moment. Even though this brief moment was only a few seconds, it felt like an eternity. I was flooded with relaxation and felt fully present at practice.  I realized the importance of connecting with my external surroundings and utilizing my senses to be fully present in the moment.

Similarly in mindfulness practices we encourage participants to focus on their breath, or the sound of the leader’s voice, to help ground them in the present moment. Our five senses can help us feel centered. Instead of letting my days “fly by”, I am choosing to slow down, connect with my environment and focus on my breath when turning my attention to another part of my day. This week, I would challenge you to find something in your environment that you can turn to to help slow you down and become more present.

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

A Life Worth Sharing
Alyssa Colbert, LCSW

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

Accumulating Positives

I find that one of the challenging aspects of DBT is that many of the skills appear to be simple and are actually challenging to incorporate into our lives. One needs to be committed to engage in skills.  The commitment to skills is one we make over and over again. For me, one of these skills is Accumulating Positive Emotions. The idea behind this skill is focusing on positives – mindfully, intentionally – and increasing these in our lives.

In the short term, positives can be simple. Positives can be small things, minor tweaks in our lives that add up to make a big difference to our emotional experience of our day. Sometimes the impact of these tweaks is TINY. However, we notice them. They add up. And, more importantly, we are aware when we lack these positives. 

April can be tough for many. Our weather rainy, sunshine is increasing , and the weather often prohibits us from going outside. As someone who really benefits from outside time, I notice this, and the impact on my mood. One of the ways I tolerate the grey days is focusing on this skill, and intentionally adding positives to my day.

This skill takes planning. It means making time during your day for things that will bring a smile to your face. That may be a quick break for a walk outside, dog cuddle, or to catch up with a friend. Even a short catch up will do (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/02/well/phone-call-happiness-challenge.html?campaign_id=18&emc=edit_hh_20230316&instance_id=87899&nl=well&regi_id=65431909&segment_id=127971&te=1&user_id=978b5a7611774f4c36e8533a238a470b). It may mean making yourself something a bit special for lunch (avocado toast anyone?) or finding a new tv to watch (I highly recommend Eugene Levy’s new series, The Reluctant Traveler. His facial expressions make me laugh out loud). For you, it may mean signing up for a new class, starting a new project, trying a new recipe (this soup is so easy and delicious – https://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/white-bean-soup/) or starting a new book. It may be working out to an amazing playlist (90’s rock anyone??) and listening to songs that you can’t help but sing along to.

This skill is also about Mindfulness. Being mindful of the things that do matter, that we do appreciate, is so important. It is easy in the business of our lives to forget to attend to things that will make us smile. Recently I have been noticing small signs of spring in my yard, my daffodils are coming up and starting to bloom. Pausing to notice the change in my yard instead of rushing out the door allows me a brief moment of mindfulness. Taking the time to laugh at one of my 7 year old’s ridiculous jokes always does the trick (the most recent: Is ketchup is a “fruit smoothie” because tomatoes are technically fruit) even if that does mean our breakfast takes a bit longer and we’re behind schedule.

We also apply the concept of accumulating positives to the long term. Our long term goals are all different, and the idea behind this is taking small steps regularly towards a goal you have. This may be slowly working on a project, for example, knitting a few rows of a scarf that will take weeks to complete, or saving money towards a larger goal. When we are able to keep the larger goal in mind, it helps us see the smaller steps as moving in a positive direction. Saving a bit of money each week may allow us to obtain a long term goal of a dream trip, for example. 

This week, I challenge you to find ways to accumulate positives – both short term and long term, in your daily life.

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

Control

by Heather Oros, LCSW

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

Willingness

by Nataleigh Kohn, LMSW

Last December, I became a mom with the birth of my wonderful daughter. Being a new parent has shifted my perspective in countless ways, and one that has been on my mind recently is my relationship with willingness. Willingness is a core pillar of DBT, and a term we use a great deal in our work. In the dictionary, willingness is defined as “the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness.” Psychiatrist and theologian Gerald May went deeper in his 1982 writings, often cited by Marsha Linehan, stating “willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment.” On the other hand, he offered that willfulness is its opposite—”saying no, or perhaps more commonly, ‘yes but…’” (May, 1982).

Saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment, as it turns out, is no simple task. To invite willingness in moments of frustration, exhaustion, stress—let alone in moments of profound pain and suffering, as we are challenged to do with our distress tolerance skills—takes a great deal of intention and mindfulness. For me, the transition to parenthood brought this very human struggle to the forefront. Through labor and delivery, my postpartum stay in the hospital, those first weeks of living with a newborn, and beyond, my mind and spirit have often been moved toward willfulness. We know we are being willful when we find ourselves denying reality, crossing our arms, throwing our hands up, telling ourselves “this isn’t fair” or “I shouldn’t have to do this.” All very familiar thoughts  to a new mom, or at least to this one.

So how do we turn our minds toward willingness when it feels like every fiber of our being is planted firmly in the other direction? How do we invite our arms to uncross, our stance to soften, and our no to turn into a yes? The practice of willingness calls us to notice our willfulness—and not only to notice it, but to accept and allow it. It turns out that in order to get ourselves to a yes, we first must accept that we are not yet there. With this awareness and acceptance, we do our best to consider being willing. Perhaps this looks like a shift in perspective, a reminder of why we must do what we do, or why things are the way they are—that, really, things could not be any other way.

Often times, we use our body to invite willingness through the practice of Half Smile and Willing Hands. We may notice willfulness rise back to the surface (in fact it’s nearly inevitable). and in those moments, we continue to do what is needed—to acknowledge and accept our no to the mystery of being alive, and then continue to fight to say yes.

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

Building Mastery

by Elisa Pompeo, LMSW

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

ACTIVITY

MENU

Simple Broccoli Soup, Beef Bean Chili, Hot Chocolate

CONTRIBUTE

by Lucy Howell, LCSW

The thought, “this would be so much easier if I were alone” has crossed everyone’s mind at some point. In life, we find ourselves vacillating between wanting to be part of group experiences and wanting nothing to do with group experiences. It is an awful truth of being a human that we are born completely defenseless and therefore entirely dependent on others in order to survive. While this dilemma alone is enough to see the human condition as just a smidgen rigged, remember that we also do not get to choose who we will be dependent on (parents) in our most defenseless state. So there we are: 5 hours old, no skills, completely reliant, and we didn’t even get to interview the people who take us home from the hospital.

Fast forward a few years and we get to start making some choices in who we rely on. We start making friends in school, we bond with members of our community, and our family relationships evolve. The difficulty all humans have in groups at one point or another is when another member engages in a behavior that threatens our sense safety. No wonder humans get so dysregulated by group relationships: we are hardwired to rely on others, but what happens when we feel like others turn on us? The natural urge is to eliminate the threat by terminating the relationship somehow. This can be especially difficult in a group of three because of its particular vulnerability to issues surrounding that “odd man out” feeling.

DBT of course asks us to mindfully attend to relationships through balancing objective, relationship, and self-respect effectiveness. Ideally, we use these skills along with observe and describe to make sense of our dysregulated feelings when we feel threatened. Sometimes we inform someone in the group that their behavior hurt us, while other times we privately acknowledge the bruise and agree to let go.

Establishing safety in groups takes time. If you have had strained relationships with your primary groups (family, school, friends) then you might already be aware of your own vulnerabilities in these dynamics. Do folks in any of your group relationships know about them? Do you have a sense of what bothers you in groups and also what you enjoy about them? How do you stay safe and maximize the benefits of being part of a group?

WORDS OF WISDOM

ACTIVITY

MENU

Maple Banana Bread, Pull Apart Italian Slider, Cinnamon Crunch Apple Butter Pretzel Knot

CONTRIBUTE