Metro NY DBT Center

Serving New York & New Jersey

Inspirations

Week of April 17th

A Life Worth Sharing
Alyssa Colbert, LCSW

In DBT treatment we are working on building a Life Worth Living. At the beginning of treatment, we identify Life Worth Living Goals that we want to work towards. The idea of building a Life Worth Living is a staple in DBT treatment. However, I recently completed a workshop in Radically Open DBT (RO-DBT) which had an additional goal in mind.
RO-DBT is a sector of DBT that is meant to support individuals who experience behaviors of overcontrol. In the training I attended, we learned that those who are more over-controlled in their behavior have an increased likelihood of experiencing difficulty connecting with others. Therefore, in addition to building a Life Worth Living, another goal of RO-DBT is to work towards building a Life Worth Sharing.
I really liked the idea of a Life Worth Sharing and it got me thinking about the power of connection. There is a lot of value in having meaningful connections with others in our lives. Feeling connected to others can bring a sense of safety, belonging, and happiness, among other feelings. At the same time, regardless of if we experience behaviors of overcontrol, finding meaningful connections does not always come with ease.
Connecting with others can feel really challenging and anxiety provoking. If you are reading this and feel that you can relate, you are not alone. When we experience difficulty connecting, we may fall into our thinking mistakes that there must be something “wrong” with us or that we “should” be different. Marsha Linehan uses this metaphor which I find helpful. She says that sometimes we can find ourselves being a tulip in a rose garden. It is not that there is something “wrong” with us or that we “should” try and make ourselves a rose, it may just be that we are a tulip and we haven’t found our fellow tulips yet.
If you are noticing that you feel like a tulip in a rose garden, I would encourage you to lean into some self-validation and ease towards yourself. Finding your tulips is not always easy and it is completely possible. This week I would like you to consider taking one step to practice connecting with others.
Maybe you could start by considering what connection means to you. Is it being part of a group, forming a relationship with one individual person, increasing connection with family members, finding someone or a few people to who you can relate, or something different? Then I’d ask that you take one step to lean into connection (ex. Researching groups online, writing and maybe sending a text to that person, giving a family member a call, etc.).
If you are someone who experiences social anxiety and often finds yourself avoiding social connection, you are not alone. I’d encourage you to start this week by writing out a pros and cons of connecting with others. Perhaps you could bring your pros and cons list to your individual therapy session to discuss with your therapist.
Connecting with others can take time and it can be challenging, yet it is completely achievable for everyone. We look forward to hearing about your experience with connection this week. Remember, we all have a Life Worth Sharing.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Open Your Heart ” by Madonna


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Crunchy Baked Hot Honey Cauliflower , Everything Ranch Crackers and Pretzels, Chewy Brown Butter Pecan Cookies

 

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Week of April 10th

Accumulating Positives

I find that one of the challenging aspects of DBT is that many of the skills appear to be simple and are actually challenging to incorporate into our lives. One needs to be committed to engage in skills.  The commitment to skills is one we make over and over again. For me, one of these skills is Accumulating Positive Emotions. The idea behind this skill is focusing on positives – mindfully, intentionally – and increasing these in our lives.

 

In the short term, positives can be simple. Positives can be small things, minor tweaks in our lives that add up to make a big difference to our emotional experience of our day. Sometimes the impact of these tweaks is TINY. However, we notice them. They add up. And, more importantly, we are aware when we lack these positives. 

 

April can be tough for many. Our weather rainy, sunshine is increasing , and the weather often prohibits us from going outside. As someone who really benefits from outside time, I notice this, and the impact on my mood. One of the ways I tolerate the grey days is focusing on this skill, and intentionally adding positives to my day.

 

This skill takes planning. It means making time during your day for things that will bring a smile to your face. That may be a quick break for a walk outside, dog cuddle, or to catch up with a friend. Even a short catch up will do (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/02/well/phone-call-happiness-challenge.html?campaign_id=18&emc=edit_hh_20230316&instance_id=87899&nl=well&regi_id=65431909&segment_id=127971&te=1&user_id=978b5a7611774f4c36e8533a238a470b). It may mean making yourself something a bit special for lunch (avocado toast anyone?) or finding a new tv to watch (I highly recommend Eugene Levy’s new series, The Reluctant Traveler. His facial expressions make me laugh out loud). For you, it may mean signing up for a new class, starting a new project, trying a new recipe (this soup is so easy and delicious – https://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/white-bean-soup/) or starting a new book. It may be working out to an amazing playlist (90’s rock anyone??) and listening to songs that you can’t help but sing along to.

 

This skill is also about Mindfulness. Being mindful of the things that do matter, that we do appreciate, is so important. It is easy in the business of our lives to forget to attend to things that will make us smile. Recently I have been noticing small signs of spring in my yard, my daffodils are coming up and starting to bloom. Pausing to notice the change in my yard instead of rushing out the door allows me a brief moment of mindfulness. Taking the time to laugh at one of my 7 year old’s ridiculous jokes always does the trick (the most recent: Is ketchup is a “fruit smoothie” because tomatoes are technically fruit) even if that does mean our breakfast takes a bit longer and we’re behind schedule.

 

We also apply the concept of accumulating positives to the long term. Our long term goals are all different, and the idea behind this is taking small steps regularly towards a goal you have. This may be slowly working on a project, for example, knitting a few rows of a scarf that will take weeks to complete, or saving money towards a larger goal. When we are able to keep the larger goal in mind, it helps us see the smaller steps as moving in a positive direction. Saving a bit of money each week may allow us to obtain a long term goal of a dream trip, for example. 

 

This week, I challenge you to find ways to accumulate positives – both short term and long term, in your daily life.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough ” by Marvin  Gaye


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Baked Strawberry Cream Cheese French Toast , Carrot Cake Cupcakes, Giant Frosted Strawberry Poptarts

 

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Week of March 27th

Control

by Heather Oros, LCSW

About a year ago, I started to invest my time in the sport of rock climbing.  It quickly became obvious that the sport requires as much mental skill and strength as it does physical.  Rock climbing has allowed me to practice remaining present and in control despite feeling fear and facing the unknown. There are several mindfulness practices that I have become aware of and have started to build into my rehearsal both on and off the wall.
In DBT, we learn that emotions provide us with useful information about ourselves and how we respond to the environment.  As a climber, I am regularly exposed to fear.  I have come to learn that whether I like it or not, fear is a part of the sport.  When I first started, I felt fear.  I noticed a sinking feeling in my chest, a rush of intrusive thoughts, and a sensation of shaking.  At this time, I wasn’t so interested in feeling these sensations, so I would suppress the emotion to “appear” confident and push myself to greater limits.  I started to realize that the more I overly controlled my fear through suppression, the more intense the fear became, and the less successful I was as a climber.  I have begun to observe that these emotions are occurring outside of my control, and for effective reasons.  I am working hard to accept fear as a natural part of my climbing process.  In doing so, I have felt less startled, overwhelmed, and panicked.
In addition to practicing the acceptance of fear, I have also committed to allowing myself to let go of what is not in my control.  So often, our fear is in response to a stimulus that is not in our control, and how we react determines how we are going to manage our fear.  Last summer, my partner and I went climbing outdoors for the first time.  We hired a guide who exposed us to our first experience of traditional climbing.  The guide placed natural gear into the rock wall to allow us to climb a series of three pitched climbs to the top of the Shawangunk Mountain Ridge which sits 700ft high in the Hudson Valley.  At the bottom of the mountain, the guide started to place his gear on his harness, and explain the process that would get us up to the top.  At that moment, I looked up, a mix of excitement, adrenaline, and fear.  About halfway up the mountain ridge, the climb required me to ascend over an exposed rock that required trust in the guide, my footwork, and the ability to move through the gear that had been placed for protection.  My fear quickly became all consuming.  I started shaking, and fixated on all the things that could have gone wrong that were at this point outside of my control.
The amount of attention I paid to trying to think my way through the fear, the less control I had over my emotion.  As a climber, I have come to learn that extreme height exposure on a climb is a trigger for my freeze response. Since this experience, I have started to practice turning my mind to my body and breath more frequently, especially when outside of my comfort zone.  When pushed outside of our control, it is common to overthink.  We so often lose sight of the experience in our body, which can serve as a helpful anchor to re-ground us to the present moment and in turn help us find our control and stride.
Climbing is an extreme sport, there is no denying this. It is also an activity that evokes extreme emotions we commonly experience in life.  After my first high exposure moment on the Shawangunk ride, I reached the mountain top, made it back down to the ground and began my learning of the lifelong process of understanding more about myself, fear, and the process of letting go.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Control” by Janet Jackson


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12 Smoothie Recipes to Fuel , Portable Fuel Energy Bites, Herb Butter Salmon and Asparagus Foil Packs

 

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Week of March 13th

Willingness

by Nataleigh Kohn, LMSW

Last December, I became a mom with the birth of my wonderful daughter. Being a new parent has shifted my perspective in countless ways, and one that has been on my mind recently is my relationship with willingness. Willingness is a core pillar of DBT, and a term we use a great deal in our work. In the dictionary, willingness is defined as “the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness.” Psychiatrist and theologian Gerald May went deeper in his 1982 writings, often cited by Marsha Linehan, stating “willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment.” On the other hand, he offered that willfulness is its opposite—”saying no, or perhaps more commonly, ‘yes but…’” (May, 1982).

Saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment, as it turns out, is no simple task. To invite willingness in moments of frustration, exhaustion, stress—let alone in moments of profound pain and suffering, as we are challenged to do with our distress tolerance skills—takes a great deal of intention and mindfulness. For me, the transition to parenthood brought this very human struggle to the forefront. Through labor and delivery, my postpartum stay in the hospital, those first weeks of living with a newborn, and beyond, my mind and spirit have often been moved toward willfulness. We know we are being willful when we find ourselves denying reality, crossing our arms, throwing our hands up, telling ourselves “this isn’t fair” or “I shouldn’t have to do this.” All very familiar thoughts  to a new mom, or at least to this one.

So how do we turn our minds toward willingness when it feels like every fiber of our being is planted firmly in the other direction? How do we invite our arms to uncross, our stance to soften, and our no to turn into a yes? The practice of willingness calls us to notice our willfulness—and not only to notice it, but to accept and allow it. It turns out that in order to get ourselves to a yes, we first must accept that we are not yet there. With this awareness and acceptance, we do our best to consider being willing. Perhaps this looks like a shift in perspective, a reminder of why we must do what we do, or why things are the way they are—that, really, things could not be any other way.

Often times, we use our body to invite willingness through the practice of Half Smile and Willing Hands. We may notice willfulness rise back to the surface (in fact it’s nearly inevitable). and in those moments, we continue to do what is needed—to acknowledge and accept our no to the mystery of being alive, and then continue to fight to say yes.

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“We Can Work it Out” by The Beatles


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ACTIVITY

Forest Bathing


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Open Egg Face Sandwich, Classic Tuna Melt, Open Face Sandwiches

 

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Week of February 28th

Building Mastery

by Elisa Pompeo, LMSW

A few weeks ago I noticed that I was in a rut when it came to my physical activity. Between the colder shorter days, and lack of quality sleep, I wasn’t feeling my best. I didn’t feel confident about my physical well being.  I decided to choose a new goal to work towards to change this lack of confidence.  This goal was to move my body everyday and gain more strength – and it is harder than I imagined.
Once I set my intention, I noticed that I needed more help to navigate my lack of confidence.  I turned to the DBT skill of building mastery. Building mastery is a skill in the emotion regulation module. The skill teaches us how to gain knowledge and ability in something, like exercising as an opportunity to also better regulate emotions.  Emotion regulation encourages us to initially set a goal. Then,  it asks us to do one small thing at a time, with intention, and build on the intensity each time. Eventually, we hope to  build up to doing more difficult tasks. This skill doesn’t have to be only applied to exercise of course, it can be painting or creating art, finishing a book, learning how to play the piano, doing your chores, getting to school on time every day, and so much more.
My personal journey, started once I set my intention to build mastery.  Once I decided to set my mind to building mastery on my physical activity, I got to work.  The first day, I talked to a friend about local gyms they would recommend. The next day I walked to one gym and signed up for a trial. The third day I went and explored the gym with a friend and used a few machines. Eventually, I was confident enough to start going consistently, and doing a little more difficult tasks each time.
I realized that my low self esteem was hindering my execution of this plan.  Sometimes low self-esteem can get in the way of building mastery. Some examples of this are self-judgement thoughts like “I should be able to just do this” or “It’s stupid and it will be too hard”, or “It’s silly to want to do this”. I reminded myself that the small step I took was a huge accomplishment, even if it didn’t feel like it at first! Each day that I can build on my skills, creates a sense of accomplishment. Eventually, building mastery helps one brighten your self-esteem.
Building mastery is a great skill to use when you want to create some structure and increase confidence. Pick something to work towards right now, and use building mastery to make an action plan! What kinds of things do you want to work towards?

WORDS OF WISDOM

 

MEME OF THE WEEK

“Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac


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Simple Broccoli Soup, Beef Bean Chili, Hot Chocolate

 

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Week of January 30th

by Lucy Howell, LCSW

The thought, “this would be so much easier if I were alone” has crossed everyone’s mind at some point. In life, we find ourselves vacillating between wanting to be part of group experiences and wanting nothing to do with group experiences. It is an awful truth of being a human that we are born completely defenseless and therefore entirely dependent on others in order to survive. While this dilemma alone is enough to see the human condition as just a smidgen rigged, remember that we also do not get to choose who we will be dependent on (parents) in our most defenseless state. So there we are: 5 hours old, no skills, completely reliant, and we didn’t even get to interview the people who take us home from the hospital.

Fast forward a few years and we get to start making some choices in who we rely on. We start making friends in school, we bond with members of our community, and our family relationships evolve. The difficulty all humans have in groups at one point or another is when another member engages in a behavior that threatens our sense safety. No wonder humans get so dysregulated by group relationships: we are hardwired to rely on others, but what happens when we feel like others turn on us? The natural urge is to eliminate the threat by terminating the relationship somehow. This can be especially difficult in a group of three because of its particular vulnerability to issues surrounding that “odd man out” feeling.

DBT of course asks us to mindfully attend to relationships through balancing objective, relationship, and self-respect effectiveness. Ideally, we use these skills along with observe and describe to make sense of our dysregulated feelings when we feel threatened. Sometimes we inform someone in the group that their behavior hurt us, while other times we privately acknowledge the bruise and agree to let go.

Establishing safety in groups takes time. If you have had strained relationships with your primary groups (family, school, friends) then you might already be aware of your own vulnerabilities in these dynamics. Do folks in any of your group relationships know about them? Do you have a sense of what bothers you in groups and also what you enjoy about them? How do you stay safe and maximize the benefits of being part of a group?

WORDS OF WISDOM

 

 

“Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson


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Maple Banana Bread, Pull Apart Italian Slider, Cinnamon Crunch Apple Butter Pretzel Knot

 

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Week of January 9th

Radical Acceptance in 2023

The start of a new year can look different for everyone. Feelings around the end of 2022 and the start of 2023 may bring up both positive emotions for some and negative emotions for others. What is most commonly shared among the public eye about the new year exemplifies opportunity, newness, more rituals and routines people are striving to implement in their everyday lives. Many people make new fitness and health goals, while some implement activities they aim to complete each day or week. I would like to offer an additional perspective to the conversation about new year’s resolutions by reminding you that change is not easy. The “step by step guides” about how to keep your resolutions in 2023 that are plastered all over the media and magazines can sometimes fixate so much on the task and forget to acknowledge the difficulties of these processes. It seems that everything is so future oriented and emphasizes leaving the past behind.

    As someone who values health and fitness, I have found myself over the years writing down big goals to strive for and implement on the first day of January. While setting intentional goals with a timeline can be helpful, it can also present a lot of challenges, pressure and expectations. More commonly than not, I would find myself feeling like I bit off more than I could chew, which has led to disappointment and doubt in my abilities. In years past, I have been quick to focus on things I want to change, rather than first accepting my current situation and then making intentional steps towards implementing new behaviors or activities.

    This year I have focused on leaning in to accepting the current state of my body’s physical abilities. After having two hip surgeries this past year, I have been limited with my body’s physical mobility and movement, which has, at times, presented me with intense frustration. In DBT, radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that helps us accept reality as it is in order to implement change, avoid suffering and being stuck in unhappiness or other painful emotions. Radical acceptance can be considered one of the more difficult skills in DBT as it emphasizes accepting all the way in our mind, heart, and body. In order to change reality, we have to first accept reality. Practicing radical acceptance includes observing how we are questioning our reality, reminding us that unpleasant past events cannot be changed and leaning into mindfulness to help us find a place to be willing of acceptance.

    As we are nearing the middle of January, I’d challenge you to identify a part of your life that you seek to radically accept. Whether this is something from 2022 or years past, try to recognize some part of your life that interferes with your ability to let go of painful events and suffering. Remind yourself that radical acceptance can take time and a lot of practice, but that sometimes the path out of this suffering requires you to face reality with an openness to accept before being able to implement change.

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

“Hazy Shade of Winter” by The Bangles


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Quick Healthy Breakfast, Chickpea Spinach Salad, Classic Pot Roast

 

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Week of December 19th

Transitions

by Nicholas Urban, LCSW

We’re at a time of year that is marked by transitions: Autumn into Winter, the current year into the new, longer days into shorter ones culminating in the Solstice on Wednesday the 21st.

Transitions can be exciting, can be something to look forward to, and can also be scary and provoke anticipatory anxiety. Even when we want to make the change, worry thoughts about whether it’s the right decision and if we’ll be able to adjust and if everything will be okay are to be expected. Prior to becoming a therapist, I spent many years in a different career. I was good at it, and my work was meaningful, and I advanced in the organizations I was employed by. But the work wasn’t good for me, and even though I had recognized this for some time, the idea of making the transition to something I’d been thinking about doing for years was highly stressful. I kept coming up with reasons to stay where I was, to not make the leap into something new, despite my growing dissatisfaction. For a long time, I was stuck in acceptance and unable to shift towards change. Have you had this experience, of justifying something that you aren’t happy with to avoid the fear of the unknown that comes with something new?

Transitions are the perfect opportunity to lean into the Acceptance/Change dialectic. They’re also ideal for Coping Ahead, anticipating what we’re feeling anxious about and planning out how we’ll deal with it. You may be coping ahead for the holiday season right now, and the stresses of travel and family and the disruption of routine. You may be thinking forward to 2023, and the changes you’re going to make to improve your quality of life and continue to grow as a person. For me, difficult and frightening as it was, making the transition couldn’t have been a better choice.

Much like the Solstice is the shortest, darkest day of the year, every day that comes afterwards gets a little longer and a little brighter. Once you’ve made the decision to take the first step and embrace the change side of the dialectic, the transition to something new and exciting and effective for you is on the path just ahead.

Happy Holidays!

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

“Changes” by David Bowie


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Vegan Potato Soup, Sweet Potato and Bean Enchiladas, The Ultimate Mug Cake

 

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