Metro NY DBT Center

Serving New York & New Jersey

Inspirations

Week of July 11th

Slow Down

During the summer, time feels as if it’s flying by! Days seem to pass by quickly. Experiences seem to be over in a blink of an eye. As we enter that middle point of summer, this week we are focusing on the intention to slow down.

There can be a lot of anticipation and excitement leading up to summer. Many people look forward to this time of year as they envision their summers to be relaxing, surrounded by friends and family. For some summer can include a trip. However, it’s easy to get overwhelmed as we try to satisfy the urge fit in more activity on top of our already busy schedules.

How is it that a time of year that should be more relaxing ends up causing some additional feelings of anxiety or stress? These feelings are valid and are more commonly shared among others than you may think. Take a moment and acknowledge all of the energy you have put towards everything you’ve done this summer. Whether these activities have been big or small endeavors, it’s important to recognize all of your efforts because it is not easy.

Among the overwhelming feelings that can accompany our day to day summer lives, it’s important to try to make ourselves slow down. Slowing down can look different for everyone. For some, it’s a physical break from work or pulling back from some social activities, while others practice mental breaks. For me, I gravitate towards both. I often find myself committing to too many work and social related activities, resulting in an overwhelming schedule where I’m always focused on what is next. Being in a mindset that is always thinking ahead fuels our thoughts and feelings about how fast time goes by. I have prioritized slowing down and I would encourage you to do the same.

Take more moments for yourself to do things that bring you joy. In times that feel overwhelmingly fast, I’d encourage you to think more meaningfully about how you’re interacting with your surroundings. Most recently, I found myself practicing this on a beach, examining signals from all of my senses. I steadied my breathing and interpreted the crisp, cool water rushing between my fingertips, the soft, airy sand grazing my feet, and the sound of the waves crashing the shoreline. It brought me a sense of tranquility and slowness even in the midst of typical beach commotion. I often recall this sensory experience to alleviate me from heightened stress and provide me with a sense of relaxation and slowness. As we enter this second half of summer, remember to continue to validate everything you’re doing, make more time for yourself, and slow down.

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


TED TALKSlow Down to Go Faster–The Power of Pause with Ralph Simone

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

ACTIVITY


MENU

Zesty Slow Cooker Chicken BBQ, Slow Cooker Shredded Chicken Tacos, Slow Cooker BBQ Chicken

CONTRIBUTE

Week of July 4th

ONE MINDFULLY

by Nataleigh Kohn, LMSW

Over the past couple weeks, we’ve been thinking a lot about participation: perhaps participation in activism and problem-solving surrounding challenging current events—and simultaneously, participation in joyful experiences that may provide momentary distraction or respite from those same events. In DBT, participation is one of our core mindfulness skills, and therefore one of the core underpinnings of everything we practice. Participation is the act of throwing your whole self into whatever it is you are doing or experiencing, and turning all of your attention toward the present moment. By participating fully in the moment, we are able to experience life more clearly, connect more fully with ourselves and others, and increase our attention and effectiveness toward achieving our goals.

So many of us struggle with mindlessness much of the time:  trying to be in ten places or complete ten different tasks at once, of running on auto-pilot, and of frequent attention to the past or the future rather than what’s right in front of or within us. It’s part of being human. And it turns out that when we are able to turn our mind and our whole self back to the present moment, we can not only be much more effective and more skillful, but also can open ourselves up to richness and beauty around us that we may have otherwise missed or taken for granted.

I have been a therapist at Metro NY DBT for three years now, and like most of our staff and clients (and the rest of the world) have experienced a great deal of change since the onset of the pandemic in March 2020. For me, the most significant change was becoming a mother for the first time in December 2021.  I could write 100 essays on the ways in which my life has transformed since my daughter was born, and the ways in which DBT skills have helped me along the way, but today we’re talking about participation. The idea of mindfulness through participation took on a whole new meaning when I became a mother.

The experience of brand-new parenthood is often overwhelming, all-consuming, and like many major life transitions, fairly difficult to comprehend or plan for until you’re in the midst of it. For me, the urge to be ten places at once, to move quickly and multitask, was constant. In the first six weeks or so, you could probably find me attempting to change a diaper, while researching the difference between various sleep training strategies on my phone, while wondering when I was going to have time to eat lunch, while attempting to narrate my every move to my infant daughter to expose her to language, while asking Siri to play Raffi. And while doing all of those things, I was often experiencing judgments about what I was or was not doing. Needless to say, I was not being mindful.

Over time, I came to understand that the urge to do everything at once—that was undoubtedly prompted by varying beliefs, judgments, and myths about my experience as a new parent—was actually taking my attention away from what was most important to me: spending valuable time with my (very cute) daughter. When I was able to let go and to allow myself to be all-in in the moment, I was able to bring much more attention to beauty and joy that I might have otherwise missed. These days, I make sure to allow myself to let go of distractions and judgment, at least for a few minutes, when spending time with my daughter. I could be playing with her, giving her a bottle, or watching her attempt to fit her entire foot into her mouth. It’s not always easy, or possible—sometimes you have to ask Siri to repeat “Baby Beluga” or realize you forgot to make lunch and scramble to order take-out. The point, though, is that I do my best to stay present.

My hope for our community this week is that we are able to participate in at least one thing in the present moment every day. Whether it’s going for a walk outside, spending time with a loved one, eating a favorite meal, or meditating, do your best to let go and to be all-in.

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


TED TALK 

What adults can learn from kids with Adora Svitak

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

ACTIVITY


MENU

Tropical Smoothie, Summer Vegetable Soup with Pesto, Heavenly Halibut

CONTRIBUTE

Week of June 20th

Interconnectedness

 

                Take a moment to pause and reflect. We would like you to observe that as you are reading this, you are connected to a web of others who are also reading these words with a shared intention. In DBT, we believe everything and every person is connected in some way. This is one of the core principles of dialectics and a mindfulness concept of interconnectedness. We live in an interconnected world, and most of our important connections are phone calls, texts, face-times and clicks away. However, we seldom stop to think about the ways we directly or indirectly impact our environments through complex ties of connection.
                When we are able to see that our personal well-being is intrinsically connected to others, we are able to access empathy, compassion, trust, collaboration, and space for different perspectives.  The past two and a half years of the pandemic have displayed how truly interconnected we all are.  The pandemic has highlighted the dialectical dilemma of our independent lifestyles with the reality of our interdependence. Suddenly, we have become hyperaware of how our personal choices can quickly impact many people.
                Taking time to see our interconnectedness can help us live a more meaningful and compassionate life.  When we allow ourselves to observe how the smallest shifts affect both direct and distant things, we are able to gain a greater sense of mindful attention, and an awareness that choices effectively alter the mutual interconnectivity of the world.
                This week, we challenge you to get mindful of the web of connections you participate in at each moment.  Take the time to slow down and observe how your deliberate actions impact your environment.  Allow yourself to notice how things within your environment are connected to a vast web of others. In doing so, we hope you are able to cultivate space, feel peace, and spread compassion.

 


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

PODCAST

 

 

 

ACTIVITY

ACTIVITY

MENU

Beautiful Braided Bread, Lunchbox Pasta Salad, 25 Meatless Meals


CONTRIBUTE

 

Week of June 6th

Pride

June is pride month! We are reminded of the achievements and voices of the LGBTQ+ community more than ever, and how hard people have fought for their own rights. Celebrations will ring throughout the month. While some will be celebrating, Pride can also remind us that some people struggle to accept themselves and their community.

The absence of acceptance can lead to suffering.  In DBT we have a skill that can help with the suffering of non-acceptance. Radical acceptance. The spirit of this skill is basically the sentiment, “it is, what it is”. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of non-acceptance in the world regarding people’s identities and how they live their lives. This can cause more suffering for people who already struggle to accept themselves.

Practicing radical acceptance sounds simple, and it can be one of the hardest skills to practice in DBT. First, observe if there is someone of something you are not accepting. This can also be something about yourself. Second, describe what you observe, without judgement or criticism. Then, turn your mind, body and spirit to fully accepting these things for what they are. Not what you think they should be. This can be tricky!

When you have a hard time accepting something, trying to alter it with destructive thoughts or actions won’t change it, and cause more suffering instead. We challenge you to practice radical acceptance this week with something that you have been resisting. We hope it will reduce some of your suffering, and allow you to celebrate and enjoy life even when things are not exactly the way you wish.

Happy Pride Month!

 


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

PODCAST

TED TALK

The science of love – John Gottman

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

 

 

Week of May 16th

INNER CRITIC

Over the past few weeks, our clinicians at Metro have been participating in a presentation on a type of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. As we have been learning about IFS, we have been observing similarities between IFS and DBT and discussing how the wisdom of IFS can be integrated into our DBT work.

In IFS, there is a large emphasis placed on observing and describing parts of oneself. When expressing our emotions, thoughts, sensations, and urges we often say “I feel _.” or “I have the thought that _.” IFS asks that we instead shift our language to say “a part of me is feeling _.” or “a part of me is thinking _.” This language helps us to hold a dialectical view that the emotions, thoughts, sensations, and/or urges that we experience moment to moment, are one of many parts of ourselves, and that our one observation in that moment does not define our whole self.

In DBT we regularly discuss states of self and primarily reference our three states of mind (Wise Mind, Emotion Mind, and Reasonable Mind). Similarly, IFS places emphasis on a state of self called our Inner Critic. Our Inner Critic is a piece of ourselves that is often harsh and perpetuates self-judgments and self-invalidation. When our Inner Critic state arises, we may also get activated in our emotion or reasonable mind and have a mood-dependent urge to change. This might be change through attaching to and listening to our Inner Critic or change through trying to get rid of our Inner Critic.

It actually makes sense that we may have the urge to listen to our Inner Critic because IFS holds that its function is to protect us. Our past experiences are what build and strengthen our Inner Critic’s individualized recipe for protection. However, when listening to our Inner Critic, the mindset of our Inner Critic often takes over and we forget about the other parts of ourselves. On the other hand, sometimes we may have the urge to reject our Inner Critic and we feel that it “shouldn’t” exist. This is also a totally understandable urge because our Inner Critic can feel painful! However, our Inner Critic is not something that we can just get rid of because it is a part of ourselves.

In DBT our primary dialectic is holding both acceptance and change. Instead of jumping on the urge for change in the presence of our Inner Critic, IFS suggests radically accepting our Inner Critic. Accepting the presence of our Inner Critic and approaching it with curiosity and compassion, without attaching to it or rejecting it, is how we can decrease its intensity and control over us.

Over the next week can you start to mindfully observe and describe the presence of your Inner Critic? Where in your body do you observe your Inner Critic? When your Inner Critic arises, before acting from your Emotion Mind or Reasonable Mind, we’d ask that you first practice your STOP skill. Take a pause and a moment to access your Wise Mind. From your Wise Mind, we ask that you consider approaching your Inner Critic with curiosity and ask, “Why does it make sense that my Inner Critic is present right now?” Then maybe try holding compassion for your Inner Critic by telling it, “Thank you for trying to protect me in this moment.” We might then tell our Inner Critic, “I know you’re trying to protect me and I’m going to ask that you take a step back while I decide what to do from my Wise Mind.” Over time, building compassion for our Inner Critic may also help us to build compassion for all parts of ourselves.

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

 

MEME OF THE WEEK


TED TALK

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

ACTIVITY


MENU

Fruit Smoothie, Best Guacamole Ever, How to Turn Lemons Into Ice Cream

CONTRIBUTE

Week of May 9th

CHOICE

We practice making choices often. Decisions such as what we wear, what we eat, and when we go to sleep occur daily. Other choices like where we live, how to proceed with medical care, and what to do about a difficult relationship may not present as frequently and are ordinary to the human experience. Regardless of how rare, common, complex, or simple the decision we have to make is, we utilize the same skills in each situation.

Our emotions, thoughts, and personal intuitions are central in moments of choice. DBT encourages us to hold the functions of emotions at the forefront of our mind when using our skills. Mindfulness helps us understand the usefulness of our thoughts and affords us the opportunity to decide whether or not a thought is effective. Our “gut” feelings can be a function of Wise Mind. The tools we use to make choices come from within us even when we seek wisdom outside of us.

We are faced with a dilemma when we feel stuck and invalidated by the choices in front of us. Think about a time when you might have really wanted something only to find out it was not available anymore. Or perhaps you presented an option and someone said “no” in the face of your vulnerability. Left feeling rejected, anxious, misunderstood, alone, and angry, we are more likely to engage in self destructive habits and make the situation worse.

While Radical Acceptance, willingness to tolerate grief, and distraction are skills we can choose when the urge for self destruction strikes, we feel our attention being turned to a crucial moment in this scenario: feeling stuck in the absence of choice.

Having access to a diverse range of solutions in the face of a problem greatly supports our ability to function from a Wise Mind. When choices are reflective of our personal Wisdom, we feel a sense of mastery, competence, and value. How do your Wise Mind choices impact how you value yourself? When you value yourself, how do you feel about others? What do you notice about the quality of your attention when you are in your Wise Mind?

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


TED TALK

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)


ACTIVITY


MENU

Healthy Breakfast Bowl, Lemony Linguine, Mediterranean Chickpea Quinoa Bowl

CONTRIBUTE

Week of May 2nd

Intermittent Reinforcement

 

As we settle into Spring, eagerness for warmer days and summer months emerges. Here in the Northeast, the weather has been consistently inconsistent.  We see momentary glimpses of “normal” spring temperatures that transition to cold days and a return to puffer jackets.  If you have noticed more vulnerability and disorientation, the weather’s inconsistency may be playing a role.  In behaviorism, this type of experience is called intermittent reinforcement.

Intermittent reinforcement refers to an unpredictable and irregular reward, leading to a preoccupation with a desired outcome.  When we think about our desire for warmer temperatures and sunshine, the recent inconsistency in weather has increased our want and need for more warmth.  We may even notice ourselves obsessing over it, or feeling more frustrated when we do not have a sunny and 60 degree day.  This all make sense in the context of understanding intermittent reinforcement’s role on our thinking, feeling, and actions.  Intermittent reinforcement can occur with any need or want that we may have, however it commonly applies to rules and personal boundaries of relationships.

Sometimes in relationships we want things from another person that they are unable to provide consistently.  When our desires and wants are only being met occasionally, we may become aware of confusion, fear, anger and disorientation due to the unpredictability of the thing we are seeking.  This leads to increased obsession and drive for the desired outcome.  This process is a similar feedback loop to that of a slot machine, and similar to our experience with the current weather.  We learn that over enough time, we will get the outcome, regardless of rules, boundaries and personal limits.  As a result, this feedback loop can lead to unhealthy patterns and lead to a greater sense of vulnerability, as we may observe confusion, obsessional thinking, self blame, and emotional pain.

The key is consistency.  If you are able to notice patterns of intermittent reinforcement in your life, start to get mindful of the experience and seek out ways to either develop or find consistency.  This may look like leaving a relationship that is not providing consistent reinforcement for an important desire, or it may look like developing more consistency in noticing the pattern of reinforcement and a willingness to intentionally change the cycle’s course.  Once you are able to show up consistently for yourself with your own limits, you will have greater chance of returning the feedback loop of the intermittent pattern in the relationship or external environment.

We look forward to hearing from you this week on how intermittent reinforcement may be showing up in your life and your relationships.  Fingers crossed for more warmer days!


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK

PODCAST

TED TALK

Wendy Smith: The power of positive re-inforcement

BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

 

 

Week of April 25th

NEW BEHAVIOR

Habits vs. Goal-Directed Behaviors
What is a habit? According to behavioral psychology, a habit is an automatic behavioral response to stimuli in the environment. The potency or strength of a habit is highly correlated with its repetition and consistency across contexts.

Oftentimes, the term “habit” becomes interchangeable with the concept of “goal-directed behavior.” However, habits and goal-directed behaviors are two distinct phenomena. In fact, these processes share different neural bases. Habits typically become implemented in the presence of antecedent cues, whereas goal-directed behaviors focus on consequences. In other words, habits tend to leave out the goal in mind and tend to be performed automatically. Typically, habits are not impacted by changes in the value of a goal or outcome, i.e., one would perform a habit regardless of whether the outcome is getting the reward or not.

Take, for example, addiction. Goal-directed behavior would involve a conscious process of an individual making predictions about the consequences of engaging in substances (i.e., If I engage in substances, I will attain pleasure). On the other hand, habits are more automatized behaviors in which an individual engages in substances regardless of the predicted consequences (i.e., It does not matter whether I attain pleasure from substance use or not; I am just doing it out of habit).

While the automaticity of habits helps alleviate cognitive load and effort and increase efficiency, especially for everyday behaviors, some habits are maladaptive and maybe even occur outside of our awareness. Most habits are bound by stimulus control; in other words, once a stimulus is presented, the habit automatically occurs. On that note, the advantage of goal-directed behavior is its flexibility because goal-directed behavior is not stimulus bound. Since goal-directed behaviors focus on the consequences or rewards, there are more options from which to choose.How can habit and goal-directed behaviors help us as we attempt to engage in new behaviors? In the initial stages of new behavior, it may be helpful to think about goal-directed behaviors and invest in the consequences associated with goal-directed behaviors to build motivation and commitment, especially given the fact that they recruit more effort and attention. When attempting to maintain and sustain behavior, it may be worth thinking about the principles of habit formation and pairing behavior with stimuli to evoke automaticity. For example, if my hope is to initiate the behavior of exercise, a goal-directed behavior mindset would prompt me to think about the rewards I would attain at the end of the task: an enjoyable meal, increased attractiveness, and more attention from others. When I aim to solidify this behavior into a habit, I would form a stimulus-response association between my alarm clock going off at 5pm every day with the behavior of exercise. In other words, upon hearing my alarm clock going off at 5pm, this stimulus would provoke me to exercise.

We hope that understanding the concepts and differences between habits and goal-directed behavior may help you in building and sustaining your life worth living goals.

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


TED TALK


BOOK OF THE WEEK
(Click below to Purchase Book)

ACTIVITY


MENU

 

CONTRIBUTE

Please click here to read a special message about our Covid-19 Protocols for in person sessions