Metro NY DBT Center

Serving New York & New Jersey

Inspirations

Week of May 15th

What I Learned From Digging in the Dirt
Alex Wilt, LCSW

As kids, we seem to effortlessly possess a deep fascination for life. The world is this exciting, fascinating place for play and opportunity. Even something as simple as looking at bugs or building a sandcastle becomes an incredible, magical mission. As we get older, our to-do’s get longer and our goals become bigger- college, social plans, work, city living- the experience of life as it plays out does not often naturally lend to many opportunities for digging in the dirt.

I certainly am no exception to this experience. And as a new homeowner, I anxiously started adding up my list of to-dos. On top of that list was the seemingly tedious task of pulling weeds. I looked around at my neglected, weed-ridden flower beds, and I decided one sunny day to roll up my sleeves and get to work- weeding and gardening for the first time in my life. What I did not realize was that I would be embarking on a tremendous mindfulness activity, one that would lead me to experience something as seemingly simple as “dirt” in a way I never expected.

As I put on my gardening gloves and grabbed a shovel, it felt a bit like I was getting my armor on for a solo mission. There was a clear goal- pull as many weeds as you can, as quickly as you can, without getting dirty. And it started as such- I bulldozed through the first 20 minutes, feeling rather rushed and overwhelmed as I tried to tame the vast expanse of weed-ridden flower beds. There was so much to do, and as I tried moving as quickly as possible, I felt myself tensing and white-knuckling through the repetitive and tedious task.

However, as time went on, I realized what I was in for, the immense task that was before me. I tried a different strategy- I surrendered control of determining the outcome and starting to focus on the process itself. I noticed the cold ground I was sitting on and my attention began to shift to what was in my hands and in my awareness. To my surprise I noticed an entire ecosystem at my fingertips. I began to observe bugs on a mission to grab their next meal. When I pulled a plant, I was in awe of the intricate plant root structures, the beauty of a “weed.” I heard birds and squirrels sprinting around the yard. I noticed the feel of dirt in my hands, and felt the pressure tug and release as I pulled each plant. My urgency to finish the task fell and my brain simply allowed me to just be with this amazing moment I had been overlooking.

The DBT mindfulness skill called “Participate” is all about throwing ourselves fully into the present moment, and mindfully attending to what’s in front of us. When we are fully participating, we often feel “in flow,” responding smoothly to the ebbs and flows of the moment without overthinking. Nothing speaks of full participation more than a kid playing outside, running around, finding bugs, and making forts. Full participation is where I found myself while gardening, as I allowed myself to be present in what was in front of me.

As adults, this practice of full participation is a skill to relearn, as our goal-focused, expectation-laden mind likes to take us out of the present, pulling us back to the past or driving us into the future as we try to make sense of things. Participating allows us to observe and describe a more rich experience. While weeding, I found myself in awe of things I never paid any attention to before, and while I took it in, my brain and body felt at ease.

Our goal in implementing DBT mindfulness skills is to notice when we find ourselves outside of the moment- lost in the past, future, or our expectations of the moment. This is our cue to lean back and take in with the senses- practicing observing, describing, and fully participating in the present. We might just find that something as seemingly boring as dirt offers us an awe-inspiring, fascinating, and insightful experience.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Intentions ” by Justin Bieber


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Breakfast Bowl , Best Ground Beef Tacos, Pudding Dirt Dessert Cups

 

CONTRIBUTE

Week of May 1st

Being Grounded

During busier times of the year I find myself struggling to be one-mindful in the present moment. Recently, I have noticed I am rushing to each commitment or task on my calendar. I have noticed myself physically running to different commitments or tasks throughout the day and feel, at times, that I am going through the motions. I have felt like the days are flying by and that there are not enough hours in a day to get everything done. My body has been telling me to slow down through the tightness in my chest and neck.

Even though I have taken time to stop, slow down and reflect on how to be one-mindful and present in the moment, I have still fallen short. It wasn’t until an instance last week while coaching lacrosse practice that I realized why I’ve felt like I have been gliding on ice.

Amidst a chaotic practice, someone mentioned how the stream adjacent to the field was finally rushing with water after a few days of heavy rain. It wasn’t until I mindfully paid attention to the sound of the running water that I realized I have been yearning for feeling grounded and centered in the present moment. Even though this brief moment was only a few seconds, it felt like an eternity. I was flooded with relaxation and felt fully present at practice.  I realized the importance of connecting with my external surroundings and utilizing my senses to be fully present in the moment.

Similarly in mindfulness practices we encourage participants to focus on their breath, or the sound of the leader’s voice, to help ground them in the present moment. Our five senses can help us feel centered. Instead of letting my days “fly by”, I am choosing to slow down, connect with my environment and focus on my breath when turning my attention to another part of my day. This week, I would challenge you to find something in your environment that you can turn to to help slow you down and become more present.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“One ” by U2


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ACTIVITY


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Mangonada Smoothie , Bang Bang Shrimp Tacos with Fried Avocado, Cream Cheese Swirled Tres Leches Cake

 

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Week of April 17th

A Life Worth Sharing
Alyssa Colbert, LCSW

In DBT treatment we are working on building a Life Worth Living. At the beginning of treatment, we identify Life Worth Living Goals that we want to work towards. The idea of building a Life Worth Living is a staple in DBT treatment. However, I recently completed a workshop in Radically Open DBT (RO-DBT) which had an additional goal in mind.
RO-DBT is a sector of DBT that is meant to support individuals who experience behaviors of overcontrol. In the training I attended, we learned that those who are more over-controlled in their behavior have an increased likelihood of experiencing difficulty connecting with others. Therefore, in addition to building a Life Worth Living, another goal of RO-DBT is to work towards building a Life Worth Sharing.
I really liked the idea of a Life Worth Sharing and it got me thinking about the power of connection. There is a lot of value in having meaningful connections with others in our lives. Feeling connected to others can bring a sense of safety, belonging, and happiness, among other feelings. At the same time, regardless of if we experience behaviors of overcontrol, finding meaningful connections does not always come with ease.
Connecting with others can feel really challenging and anxiety provoking. If you are reading this and feel that you can relate, you are not alone. When we experience difficulty connecting, we may fall into our thinking mistakes that there must be something “wrong” with us or that we “should” be different. Marsha Linehan uses this metaphor which I find helpful. She says that sometimes we can find ourselves being a tulip in a rose garden. It is not that there is something “wrong” with us or that we “should” try and make ourselves a rose, it may just be that we are a tulip and we haven’t found our fellow tulips yet.
If you are noticing that you feel like a tulip in a rose garden, I would encourage you to lean into some self-validation and ease towards yourself. Finding your tulips is not always easy and it is completely possible. This week I would like you to consider taking one step to practice connecting with others.
Maybe you could start by considering what connection means to you. Is it being part of a group, forming a relationship with one individual person, increasing connection with family members, finding someone or a few people to who you can relate, or something different? Then I’d ask that you take one step to lean into connection (ex. Researching groups online, writing and maybe sending a text to that person, giving a family member a call, etc.).
If you are someone who experiences social anxiety and often finds yourself avoiding social connection, you are not alone. I’d encourage you to start this week by writing out a pros and cons of connecting with others. Perhaps you could bring your pros and cons list to your individual therapy session to discuss with your therapist.
Connecting with others can take time and it can be challenging, yet it is completely achievable for everyone. We look forward to hearing about your experience with connection this week. Remember, we all have a Life Worth Sharing.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Open Your Heart ” by Madonna


BOOK OF THE WEEK
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ACTIVITY


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Crunchy Baked Hot Honey Cauliflower , Everything Ranch Crackers and Pretzels, Chewy Brown Butter Pecan Cookies

 

CONTRIBUTE

Week of April 10th

Accumulating Positives

I find that one of the challenging aspects of DBT is that many of the skills appear to be simple and are actually challenging to incorporate into our lives. One needs to be committed to engage in skills.  The commitment to skills is one we make over and over again. For me, one of these skills is Accumulating Positive Emotions. The idea behind this skill is focusing on positives – mindfully, intentionally – and increasing these in our lives.

 

In the short term, positives can be simple. Positives can be small things, minor tweaks in our lives that add up to make a big difference to our emotional experience of our day. Sometimes the impact of these tweaks is TINY. However, we notice them. They add up. And, more importantly, we are aware when we lack these positives. 

 

April can be tough for many. Our weather rainy, sunshine is increasing , and the weather often prohibits us from going outside. As someone who really benefits from outside time, I notice this, and the impact on my mood. One of the ways I tolerate the grey days is focusing on this skill, and intentionally adding positives to my day.

 

This skill takes planning. It means making time during your day for things that will bring a smile to your face. That may be a quick break for a walk outside, dog cuddle, or to catch up with a friend. Even a short catch up will do (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/02/well/phone-call-happiness-challenge.html?campaign_id=18&emc=edit_hh_20230316&instance_id=87899&nl=well&regi_id=65431909&segment_id=127971&te=1&user_id=978b5a7611774f4c36e8533a238a470b). It may mean making yourself something a bit special for lunch (avocado toast anyone?) or finding a new tv to watch (I highly recommend Eugene Levy’s new series, The Reluctant Traveler. His facial expressions make me laugh out loud). For you, it may mean signing up for a new class, starting a new project, trying a new recipe (this soup is so easy and delicious – https://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/white-bean-soup/) or starting a new book. It may be working out to an amazing playlist (90’s rock anyone??) and listening to songs that you can’t help but sing along to.

 

This skill is also about Mindfulness. Being mindful of the things that do matter, that we do appreciate, is so important. It is easy in the business of our lives to forget to attend to things that will make us smile. Recently I have been noticing small signs of spring in my yard, my daffodils are coming up and starting to bloom. Pausing to notice the change in my yard instead of rushing out the door allows me a brief moment of mindfulness. Taking the time to laugh at one of my 7 year old’s ridiculous jokes always does the trick (the most recent: Is ketchup is a “fruit smoothie” because tomatoes are technically fruit) even if that does mean our breakfast takes a bit longer and we’re behind schedule.

 

We also apply the concept of accumulating positives to the long term. Our long term goals are all different, and the idea behind this is taking small steps regularly towards a goal you have. This may be slowly working on a project, for example, knitting a few rows of a scarf that will take weeks to complete, or saving money towards a larger goal. When we are able to keep the larger goal in mind, it helps us see the smaller steps as moving in a positive direction. Saving a bit of money each week may allow us to obtain a long term goal of a dream trip, for example. 

 

This week, I challenge you to find ways to accumulate positives – both short term and long term, in your daily life.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough ” by Marvin  Gaye


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ACTIVITY


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Baked Strawberry Cream Cheese French Toast , Carrot Cake Cupcakes, Giant Frosted Strawberry Poptarts

 

CONTRIBUTE

Week of March 27th

Control

by Heather Oros, LCSW

About a year ago, I started to invest my time in the sport of rock climbing.  It quickly became obvious that the sport requires as much mental skill and strength as it does physical.  Rock climbing has allowed me to practice remaining present and in control despite feeling fear and facing the unknown. There are several mindfulness practices that I have become aware of and have started to build into my rehearsal both on and off the wall.
In DBT, we learn that emotions provide us with useful information about ourselves and how we respond to the environment.  As a climber, I am regularly exposed to fear.  I have come to learn that whether I like it or not, fear is a part of the sport.  When I first started, I felt fear.  I noticed a sinking feeling in my chest, a rush of intrusive thoughts, and a sensation of shaking.  At this time, I wasn’t so interested in feeling these sensations, so I would suppress the emotion to “appear” confident and push myself to greater limits.  I started to realize that the more I overly controlled my fear through suppression, the more intense the fear became, and the less successful I was as a climber.  I have begun to observe that these emotions are occurring outside of my control, and for effective reasons.  I am working hard to accept fear as a natural part of my climbing process.  In doing so, I have felt less startled, overwhelmed, and panicked.
In addition to practicing the acceptance of fear, I have also committed to allowing myself to let go of what is not in my control.  So often, our fear is in response to a stimulus that is not in our control, and how we react determines how we are going to manage our fear.  Last summer, my partner and I went climbing outdoors for the first time.  We hired a guide who exposed us to our first experience of traditional climbing.  The guide placed natural gear into the rock wall to allow us to climb a series of three pitched climbs to the top of the Shawangunk Mountain Ridge which sits 700ft high in the Hudson Valley.  At the bottom of the mountain, the guide started to place his gear on his harness, and explain the process that would get us up to the top.  At that moment, I looked up, a mix of excitement, adrenaline, and fear.  About halfway up the mountain ridge, the climb required me to ascend over an exposed rock that required trust in the guide, my footwork, and the ability to move through the gear that had been placed for protection.  My fear quickly became all consuming.  I started shaking, and fixated on all the things that could have gone wrong that were at this point outside of my control.
The amount of attention I paid to trying to think my way through the fear, the less control I had over my emotion.  As a climber, I have come to learn that extreme height exposure on a climb is a trigger for my freeze response. Since this experience, I have started to practice turning my mind to my body and breath more frequently, especially when outside of my comfort zone.  When pushed outside of our control, it is common to overthink.  We so often lose sight of the experience in our body, which can serve as a helpful anchor to re-ground us to the present moment and in turn help us find our control and stride.
Climbing is an extreme sport, there is no denying this. It is also an activity that evokes extreme emotions we commonly experience in life.  After my first high exposure moment on the Shawangunk ride, I reached the mountain top, made it back down to the ground and began my learning of the lifelong process of understanding more about myself, fear, and the process of letting go.


WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“Control” by Janet Jackson


BOOK OF THE WEEK
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ACTIVITY


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12 Smoothie Recipes to Fuel , Portable Fuel Energy Bites, Herb Butter Salmon and Asparagus Foil Packs

 

CONTRIBUTE

Week of March 13th

Willingness

by Nataleigh Kohn, LMSW

Last December, I became a mom with the birth of my wonderful daughter. Being a new parent has shifted my perspective in countless ways, and one that has been on my mind recently is my relationship with willingness. Willingness is a core pillar of DBT, and a term we use a great deal in our work. In the dictionary, willingness is defined as “the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness.” Psychiatrist and theologian Gerald May went deeper in his 1982 writings, often cited by Marsha Linehan, stating “willingness is saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment.” On the other hand, he offered that willfulness is its opposite—”saying no, or perhaps more commonly, ‘yes but…’” (May, 1982).

Saying yes to the mystery of being alive in each moment, as it turns out, is no simple task. To invite willingness in moments of frustration, exhaustion, stress—let alone in moments of profound pain and suffering, as we are challenged to do with our distress tolerance skills—takes a great deal of intention and mindfulness. For me, the transition to parenthood brought this very human struggle to the forefront. Through labor and delivery, my postpartum stay in the hospital, those first weeks of living with a newborn, and beyond, my mind and spirit have often been moved toward willfulness. We know we are being willful when we find ourselves denying reality, crossing our arms, throwing our hands up, telling ourselves “this isn’t fair” or “I shouldn’t have to do this.” All very familiar thoughts  to a new mom, or at least to this one.

So how do we turn our minds toward willingness when it feels like every fiber of our being is planted firmly in the other direction? How do we invite our arms to uncross, our stance to soften, and our no to turn into a yes? The practice of willingness calls us to notice our willfulness—and not only to notice it, but to accept and allow it. It turns out that in order to get ourselves to a yes, we first must accept that we are not yet there. With this awareness and acceptance, we do our best to consider being willing. Perhaps this looks like a shift in perspective, a reminder of why we must do what we do, or why things are the way they are—that, really, things could not be any other way.

Often times, we use our body to invite willingness through the practice of Half Smile and Willing Hands. We may notice willfulness rise back to the surface (in fact it’s nearly inevitable). and in those moments, we continue to do what is needed—to acknowledge and accept our no to the mystery of being alive, and then continue to fight to say yes.

 

WORDS OF WISDOM

MEME OF THE WEEK


MUSIC

“We Can Work it Out” by The Beatles


BOOK OF THE WEEK
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ACTIVITY

Forest Bathing


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Open Egg Face Sandwich, Classic Tuna Melt, Open Face Sandwiches

 

CONTRIBUTE

Week of February 28th

Building Mastery

by Elisa Pompeo, LMSW

A few weeks ago I noticed that I was in a rut when it came to my physical activity. Between the colder shorter days, and lack of quality sleep, I wasn’t feeling my best. I didn’t feel confident about my physical well being.  I decided to choose a new goal to work towards to change this lack of confidence.  This goal was to move my body everyday and gain more strength – and it is harder than I imagined.
Once I set my intention, I noticed that I needed more help to navigate my lack of confidence.  I turned to the DBT skill of building mastery. Building mastery is a skill in the emotion regulation module. The skill teaches us how to gain knowledge and ability in something, like exercising as an opportunity to also better regulate emotions.  Emotion regulation encourages us to initially set a goal. Then,  it asks us to do one small thing at a time, with intention, and build on the intensity each time. Eventually, we hope to  build up to doing more difficult tasks. This skill doesn’t have to be only applied to exercise of course, it can be painting or creating art, finishing a book, learning how to play the piano, doing your chores, getting to school on time every day, and so much more.
My personal journey, started once I set my intention to build mastery.  Once I decided to set my mind to building mastery on my physical activity, I got to work.  The first day, I talked to a friend about local gyms they would recommend. The next day I walked to one gym and signed up for a trial. The third day I went and explored the gym with a friend and used a few machines. Eventually, I was confident enough to start going consistently, and doing a little more difficult tasks each time.
I realized that my low self esteem was hindering my execution of this plan.  Sometimes low self-esteem can get in the way of building mastery. Some examples of this are self-judgement thoughts like “I should be able to just do this” or “It’s stupid and it will be too hard”, or “It’s silly to want to do this”. I reminded myself that the small step I took was a huge accomplishment, even if it didn’t feel like it at first! Each day that I can build on my skills, creates a sense of accomplishment. Eventually, building mastery helps one brighten your self-esteem.
Building mastery is a great skill to use when you want to create some structure and increase confidence. Pick something to work towards right now, and use building mastery to make an action plan! What kinds of things do you want to work towards?

WORDS OF WISDOM

 

MEME OF THE WEEK

“Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac


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Simple Broccoli Soup, Beef Bean Chili, Hot Chocolate

 

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Week of January 30th

by Lucy Howell, LCSW

The thought, “this would be so much easier if I were alone” has crossed everyone’s mind at some point. In life, we find ourselves vacillating between wanting to be part of group experiences and wanting nothing to do with group experiences. It is an awful truth of being a human that we are born completely defenseless and therefore entirely dependent on others in order to survive. While this dilemma alone is enough to see the human condition as just a smidgen rigged, remember that we also do not get to choose who we will be dependent on (parents) in our most defenseless state. So there we are: 5 hours old, no skills, completely reliant, and we didn’t even get to interview the people who take us home from the hospital.

Fast forward a few years and we get to start making some choices in who we rely on. We start making friends in school, we bond with members of our community, and our family relationships evolve. The difficulty all humans have in groups at one point or another is when another member engages in a behavior that threatens our sense safety. No wonder humans get so dysregulated by group relationships: we are hardwired to rely on others, but what happens when we feel like others turn on us? The natural urge is to eliminate the threat by terminating the relationship somehow. This can be especially difficult in a group of three because of its particular vulnerability to issues surrounding that “odd man out” feeling.

DBT of course asks us to mindfully attend to relationships through balancing objective, relationship, and self-respect effectiveness. Ideally, we use these skills along with observe and describe to make sense of our dysregulated feelings when we feel threatened. Sometimes we inform someone in the group that their behavior hurt us, while other times we privately acknowledge the bruise and agree to let go.

Establishing safety in groups takes time. If you have had strained relationships with your primary groups (family, school, friends) then you might already be aware of your own vulnerabilities in these dynamics. Do folks in any of your group relationships know about them? Do you have a sense of what bothers you in groups and also what you enjoy about them? How do you stay safe and maximize the benefits of being part of a group?

WORDS OF WISDOM

 

 

“Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson


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Maple Banana Bread, Pull Apart Italian Slider, Cinnamon Crunch Apple Butter Pretzel Knot

 

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